Take a seat
Another poignant observation from my downtown friend Lisa: “It was on Super Bowl Sunday that I saw a guy walking down Pine Street carrying a recliner over his head. I guess he was bringing his own lucky chair to his friend’s house to watch the game.” Makes me wonder what this dude hauls around when he’s got a date. Best not to think about it too much.

City of Syrup, City of Gums
Heard from a guy who spotted the new city logo and started drooling at once because it looks so much like the Waffle House symbol. That’s one way to look at it, I guess. To me it looks more like a grinning mouth with a missing tooth. The beauty of this kind of high art is in the eye of the beholder, truly.

Crusty the snowman
How to describe the sky excrement that fell into our driveways last week? It was crusty on the bottom, soupy in the middle and slick on top, so that your shovel and/or snowblower just went skidding over the top of it when you tried to move it. It was indescribable stuff, but I found a way. Oh, I described it plenty. My main adjective was 14 syllables long and contained no less than eight swear words. To say it correctly, you have to throw up a little.

Gorilla Glue lawsuit
We live in weird times for sure when putting super adhesive glue in one’s hair can make a person an overnight internet celebrity. Where were all these paths to fame when I was of an age where doing stupid stuff was a matter of routine? The incident with the baking soda, vinegar and ping pong ball alone should have gotten me my own talk show.

It’s coming…
Do you realize that in just two weeks, we’ll be setting the clocks ahead? And that a mere week after that, it will be official calendar spring? Somewhere in that span, I’ll be breaking my motorcycle, El Mechon, out of winter jail, which is really the greatest milestone of them all. This is all sanity-saving news for me, because although rolling the bike back and forth across the basement floor while making “vroom” sounds is fun and all, after three or four months of it, I fear I may be losing touch with reality. Why, just the other day I got into a screaming argument with the water heater after the moron cut me off in traffic. If that sump pump hadn’t stepped in to pull us apart, it might have gotten ugly.