Hosed

On Wednesday, the temperature climbed into the upper 40s, delivering another roundhouse kick to snowbank booty and compelling at least one lunatic to drag his motorcycle out of the basement for a ride. Said lunatic regrets nothing, thank you very much. Meanwhile, one woman reports that it was sunny and warm enough to wash her car in the front yard, yet she was hampered in this endeavor by the fact that her hose connection was still buried under four feet of snow. I ask you: Does that define spring in Maine or what?

Do what comes natural

A nice lady writes: “Saw an article in your paper this morning regarding classes in breastfeeding. I’m 73 years old, have four kids and never needed a class to teach me how to do that.” Clearly this poor woman is not aware of the advanced, martial arts-style of breast feeding that’s all the rage these days. You want to get specialized training in that action or someone’s going to lose an eye.

‘When you hear the crows, the sap is going to run’

I love folksy, old-timey predictions like this, but sadly it didn’t prove to be true. I heard a bunch of crows just last night and I didn’t run anywhere.

EPA frowns on wood smoke

You realize, of course, that this is just another attempt by Big Bro and Co. to make us even more dependent on them. Heat your home with wood, after all, and you’re not on your knees praying at the altar of Big Oil and Big Gas. They can’t have people out there being self-sufficient because that would make them much more difficult to control. When a government agency says they want to protect you from something, that’s the time to start paying attention. There are weasels in our government and they’re getting weaselier by the hour.

My apologies

To weasels. They truly didn’t deserve that.

Ain’t no woman like the one-eyed gott

This has no bearing on anything current. I just enjoy saying it.

Kim Kardashian’s bleach blond hair scare!

In some parts of the country, this was front page news. FRONT. PAGE. NEWS. And I’m not talking about those papers you pretend to be absorbed in while standing in line at the grocery store, either. I’m talking formerly credible newspapers from one coast to the other. If I had any clue at all who Kim Kardashian is or what she does, I’d be outraged!

Marty on the mountain

The largest snow bank I have ever seen currently resides at Walmart in Auburn, near the little lunch area where workers go to smoke. The thing is monstrous, to the point where I’m pretty sure I saw Marty Engstrom hanging out up there. He’s the inspiration for the Walmart smiley face, you know.

Wouldn’t it be cool

If that little tidbit was true?