Sketchy

Dear God, look what they’ve done to my face!

I apologize for the drama. On Wednesday, some newsroom wit scribbled a beard across the photo of my lovely mug that ran with a column I had written about that very topic. The sketched beard was crude, sophomoric and puerile and I believe that makes it the perfect look for me. Now all I have to do is track down the artist and get him to scribble a beard onto my real face once or twice a week.

That’s what SHE said

On Wednesday, I pulled to the side of Pine Street in Lewiston after witnessing an older lady who got her wheelchair stuck in deep snow along the slushy sidewalk. By the time I reached her, she was on her feet and repeatedly kicking the wheelchair with both feet while uttering the most face-reddening string of profanity I have ever heard. Every nasty word you can think of, this lady spewed into the frosty air on Pine Street. Yes, even that one. I’m pretty sure no Seattle Seahawks fan anywhere issued such volume and variety of cuss words, even on that ridiculous final play of the Super Bowl. This lady swore as hard as she kicked, and it was doubly shocking because it was Pine Street, normally a pristine and well-mannered place.

Up in smoke

If you read the gripping story to your left, you might get the idea that I’m personally a fan of vaping. That’s very astute, Columbo. Those clouds that follow me around everywhere I go aren’t just Pigpen-style filth. That’s vapor, and you’ll notice it comes in a variety of aromas. As far as I can tell, the flavors available for vaping are near infinite. I’m presently vaping something called TNT, which is a delightful blend of strawberry, apple and peach. Earlier on, I was vaping chocolate-covered strawberry with a little something called Aphrodite’s Affair on the side. Blueberry? I got that. The minty blizzard call Nor’easter? Got that, too. Variety is your friend here, but there are a few local flavors I’d stay away from if I were you. They include Lewiston Canal Delight, LPD Lobby Flop Sweat, ACJ Booking Berry, Kennedy Park Mystery Juice, Streetwalker Surprise, Bates Street Dumpster-nilla and Park Street Alley Liquid Yum!

Net neutrality

It sounds like a good thing, doesn’t it? Like something that promotes a free and open Internet where anybody can voice his opinion regardless of his politics or station in life? Like a triumph of equality where freedom rings from one corner of the World Wide Web to another? Why, it doesn’t sound like a bold, daylight power grab or a high-speed road to censorship at all. Be wary of this move, my friends, it’s a Trojan horse. The Internet has been open for the last 20 years without government meddling – it’s a fix where there is no problem. The FCC wants to make the Internet a government utility which it can regulate in all kinds of fun and exciting ways, heaping limits on the First Amendment and serving up the Web’s first real dose of censorship. The very first chunk of information hidden from us for our own protection? The federal commission’s 322 page list of regulations, which we’re not allowed to read until it’s approved. And here we have just one more of Big Brother’s twisted desires to control what we can see, what we can read, what we can know. Are you sensing a trend here?

mlaflamme@sunjournal.com