Ed Barrett’s mustache

For the first time ever, I found myself in the same room with our distinguished Lewiston city manager and I’ve got to say it. His mustache is glorious! Full-bodied and perfectly silver, it commands attention and respect. I have not seen a mustache of such distinction since the late police Chief Richard Small. As one who hopes to one day be thusly mustachioed, these men inspire me.

Task complete

Whenever you have a chance to get “mustachioed” into a coherent sentence, by God you do it.

Trading places

In honor of unfettered government wheeling and dealing, I have decided to swap Sun Journal reporter Doug McIntire for five carnies from Smokey’s Greater Shows.

LaBonte joins LePage

I look forward to his transformation from easy-going kayak dude to surly, scowling curmudgeon.

Rough day at the office

Picture the scene: an aspiring thief moseys on out to Grove Street in Lewiston figuring he’ll break in to a house, grab some loot and call it a day. But hold on there, Jesse James. When he tries to enter the house, he finds it occupied by a nice older lady who chases him off. That’s pretty embarrassing right there. Even worse, the poor soul is forced to flee into the woods in the pouring rain as cops descend on the scene. And not just cops, but COPS! A lot of them, including federal agents with scary vests and a lot of burly men with cryptic initials on their coats. And dogs. Lots and lots of dogs with gnashing teeth and noses sniffing for the bad guy’s scent. The poor bungled burglar who actually made that mistake last week must have been thinking himself pretty important to warrant this kind of attention, but no. It was just his bad luck. Around the time he was trying to creep into the house on Grove Street, cops from all over the place were just finishing up a morning of training in Lewiston and they were more than happy to join the search. I’m not sure of the exact figures, but I estimate it took no more than .050 seconds before the suspected bad guy was rounded up, toweled off and loaded into a cruiser. Take the rest of the week off, Bub. You earned it.

Furthermore

Whenever you get a chance to use the term “moseys” in any form, by God you do it.

Attention jail guards

If you’re a guard at the Androscoggin County lockup in Auburn, you should know that there’s a group of 30 ladies who have their eyes on you. They live at the Chapman House across the way and they’d like to make dance partners out of each and every one of you. I’ve met the ladies and they’re pretty spry and wily. Watch your backs, fellas.