Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

Does anybody really know what time it is?
Boy, I have not dealt well with the latest spring time change. Part of it is my wife’s stupid car, which can tell you if the roads are icing up, chime a warning if you cross the center line and alert you when a tire is 1 PSI low, but apparently cannot handle the advanced technology involved in setting the clock ahead one hour. Smart car my ##$!@#. That clock fiasco totally made me late for my pilates.

Or maybe . . .
. . . it made me EARLY for pilates. I can never work out which way that goes. I’m not smart either, but at least I don’t claim to be like that dumb Nissan.

Massive mounds of messy seaweed head for Florida beaches
Nothing to do with us, really, but man, do I like that headline. It rather implies that the seaweed itself is a sentient being making a conscious decision to terrorize the fine people of the Sunshine State. I approve, by the way. Those Florida weasels have been tormenting me all winter, sending me photos of their warm beaches while I’m stuck here shoveling out after the latest blizzard. Enjoy your flesh-eating undersea flora, fellas. You had it coming.

Bad memory or cosmic conspiracy?
Got a call the other night from a TV producer from California who wants to interview me about a piece I wrote about the Mandela Effect a few years back. Apparently my interview will take place just before they go off to have words with James Earl Jackson about the topic. I know you remember this actor as James Earl Jones, but this is the Mandela Effect we’re talking about. Keep up.

Won’t you be my neighbor?
If you don’t know anything about the Mandela Effect, you’re probably very confused right now. Welcome to my world. I’ve been in disarray since learning that Mr. Rogers never said “it’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood.”

Don’t forget to carry the two
Shoveling snow is extra tricky at this time of year because you’ve got to factor in variables: Is it going to be warm enough to melt tomorrow so I can just skip it? Has my plow guy lost his transmission yet? Can I just push the snow into the neighbor’s yard and give him the “it’s just going to melt, anyway” line? It’s all very scientific. In mathematical language, I believe it’s expressed thusly: #!!@$#!