Ernie Anderson/Sun Journal

The toilet papers

A nice man sent me a complete history of toilets in America, including prototype sketches and scientific writings. The letter writer, who may or may not have been sniffing glue, indicated that this documentation proves once and for all that toilet paper is supposed to come out over the TOP of the roll. You hear me, the TOP! I don’t know why the fellow thinks he’ll find an argument in me on this. I wouldn’t dare, even if I HAD some argument to make. People have been murdered over the Great TP Debate and I don’t plan to be one of them.

It wasn’t me, it was some other yahoo

The same letter writer asked me if I was the “yahoo” who went driving up Hotel Road in Auburn with his head sticking out the window of an F-100 and hollering “WEEEEEE OOOO, WEEEEE OOOO!” as he went. Alas, it wasn’t me, although I kind of wish it was.

Pole position

What’s with all the mysterious white poles that have appeared on random streets in Lewiston? “Road Delineators,” I guess they’re calling them, because people who maintain the streets like to just make stuff up to see if we’ll notice. If I had to bet, I’d say some high ranking street worker was giving his kid a bunch of leftover miscellany from the warehouse and letting him go nuts. “Just place them anywhere you want, Billy. We’ll make up a Transformers-sounding name for them and then we’ll sit back and laaaaaaugh . . .”

Stand by for the Icky Uggy Eye Gunk Moon

You know who else likes to make stuff up? Astronomers, that’s who. This week, they’re telling us that the “Super Flower Blood Moon” will be appearing in the sky, and if that doesn’t sound like a name some aging hippie gave himself after hitting the pipe too hard in 1967, I don’t know what does.

Ozark

No. Just no. If you’re a fan of this Netflix series, don’t even talk to me. They ruined that show. RUINED it! I swear, when it’s time for finales, the writers of these big shows just turn over the controls to some 5-year-old. Probably Billy again. “Just write any old thing, Billy. It doesn’t even have to make any sense! We sure have fun, don’t we son?”

Five guys to open in Auburn

What? The five guys plan to open what? Sheesh, that’s just bad reporting.

What do you want from me??

Came across more of the white poles on a side road along Central Avenue in Lewiston. For five minutes, I just sat there wondering what in the @#!!@#$ these $#@!# poles wanted me to do. I just have no idea. I’ll bet if you view all these poles from way up high in the sky, they form a giant middle finger. Guess we’ll find out during hot air balloon season.