Buck twenny fi’
Welp, I’m no longer smart enough to shop at the Dollar Tree. Back in the good old days, when everything in the store was a flat buck, I was juuuuust intelligent enough to carry a working total in my head as I filled my cart with cheap peanuts, Vienna sausages, faux sugar and half my Christmas shopping list. Now that everything is a buck twenty five? Forget it, bro. My head for number isn’t good enough to work out that kind of advanced algebra. I’ll forget to carry the two somewhere and it will be chaos. Chaos, I say! The good news is, that if I get stuck while shopping at the Tree, I can always pick up a calculator. Excuse me, Miss? How much is this?

Lewiston adds more restrictive buffers for new pot businesses
Oh, sure. Make the legalities of selling weed even more confusing. I still haven’t got a full idea of who can sell what and to whom, and now they’re adding more rules? It’s getting so that you have to smoke a bunch of the stuff just to understand the laws governing it. Which is just delightful!

We’re getting a new sheriff’s department!
On Center Street. Center Street! Have you driven in Center Street traffic lately? By the time you get over there to bail your cousin Norris out of jail, he’ll have served his entire sentence, completely turned his life around and fathered a child who will grow up a little hooligan. Now that I think of it, Norris Jr. will probably need to be bailed out of jail at some point, so I guess it all works out.

What’s it going to take to put you behind the bars of this cell?
I’m also a little wary about sheriff’s deputies and jailers spending all their time so close to the car dealerships out on that stretch. One group could start to influence the other and it’ll be chaos. Chaos, I say! Either the sheriff will try to sell you on a long-term warranty as he books you into the clink, or the car dealers will start including cavity searches in their sales pitches. Which will just be awkward.

Speaking of the sheriff
Eric Samson has done some heroic work in getting this project off the ground. I think there’s no choice but to erect a statue in front of the new sheriff’s office. Erect it at the top of the steps, I say, so I can go jogging up to it all dramatic-like while humming the theme from “Rocky.”

On second thought
That’s probably going to be a lot of steps and I don’t really like jogging. Cancel that idea.