The gruesome floss incident of 2022
My apologies to those of you I have harmed. I bought one of those fancy water flossers last week and my first attempts to use it were . . . let’s just say less than graceful. Before I got the on/off button figured out, I’d managed to douse just about everything BUT my teeth. Sprayed the walls, the back of my head, the mirror, the ceiling, the walls again and a cat. Not my own cat, either. A neighbor’s cat. That’s how far this unleashed water stream of death went out of control. I think I might have soaked a jogger, too, and maybe the side of your house, if you live within five blocks of me. My shame is great. I’m just going to go back to flossing with a burnt match.

Sam’s has been sold
You know, there was a time when I was living directly above a Sam’s on Main Street in Lewiston and all I ate for three years straight was pizza and steak subs. That’s why I have this hefty frame. I just hope that if they change the name of the joint, they keep it as humble and down-to-earth as “Sam’s.” Ben’s, would be a good choice, or Bob’s. But the way naming conventions go in the corporate world, it will probably end up “The Bank North Italian Cuisine and Beverage Emporium LLC” and I’ll have no idea if it’s a restaurant or a hedge fund firm. Think I’ll just go eat at Dave’s Place, instead.

Auburn buses aren’t properly inspected
Remember when all you had to do was honk your horn, yard on the emergency brake and flash your high beams to get a car inspected? Or if one of those didn’t work, there was a mechanic on the outskirts of town who would gladly slap a sticker on your windshield if you brought him a bottle of Jim Beam and some White Owls? Never heard of that guy? Me neither. Forget I said anything.

Super Bowl
Some people watch it for the football, some watch it for the commercials, while for me, it’s all about the coin toss. The drama of the moment, as that glittering coin hangs uncertainly in the air, is almost unbearable. Can you imagine the intensity of the pressure to call heads or tails in that moment? That’s entertainment, bruh. Everything after that is just formality.

Chesterville cat missing 7 years found in Florida
Man, I am a sucker for these stories. The imagination just goes wild for this kind of thing. How did Ashes get from Maine to Florida? Nobody knows! That’s the fun of it! This one kind of irks me though, because I’m a full-grown adult with opposable thumbs, a functional human IQ and everything, and I somehow can’t manage to get from Maine to Florida. Maybe I need to eat more tuna or learn how to use a litter box. Because by God, I’ll do it!