It’s raining lizards!
So, there has been much chatter on social media lately about lizards falling out of trees, which is apparently a thing that happens in Florida when it gets cold. And by cold, I mean 40 degrees. I’m sorry, Sunshine State bros, but having the occasional iguana plop down onto your Havana sun hat just doesn’t compare to the heartbreak (cue “Nadia’s Theme”) of shoveling your yard for the fifth time that day only to have the city sidewalk plow come by and wreck it. In fact, I think there are situations where having an iguana on one’s head could be kind of fun. But that’s probably just a personal thing.

Yay, it’s February
You know things have been heinous when you are fall-on-your-knees grateful for the arrival of !#@$@ February. But hey, with its bitter cold, slurpy wet snowstorms and crazy nor’easters, January was a pretty lousy way to introduce a new year. I say banish it to the back of the calendar. Let January hang out with November and all that riff raff. That’ll teach it.

Louis was a real beast
Are we finally done with the notion of naming snowstorms? Good riddance to that goofy system, I say. A snowstorm should be called by its proper name. That name being #$#@!#!.

Pin the tail on the jackass
What’s the deal with the NFL’s overtime rules? Instead of both teams getting the ball no matter what in OT, the game is over if the first team to get the balls scores a touchdown, and which team gets the ball first is decided by a coin toss. A coin toss! I mean, you might as well just employ the ancient system of eeny meeny miny moe and be done with it. Or perhaps a rousing round of my-mother-and-your-mother-were-hanging-out-clothes if you really want to crank up the drama.

Lewiston police investigate gunfire all over the place
There was gunplay in so many different parts of the city last week, that we’re going to introduce a new system to simplify the matter by listing only the neighborhoods that WEREN’T rattled by gunfire. It will save ink.

So, who are you wearing?
You know, the more I think about it, the more I want one of those live iguana hats. I wonder if Drew Desjardins, of Mr. Drew and His Animals Too, can hook me up. It would just go so well with my live tarantula long johns.

Infuriating thoughts for the day
It’s 2022. We can communicate with people on the other side of the planet via computer devices we keep in our pockets. We store our files in a cyber cloud, for God’s sake. But we STILL can’t clean cast iron with water and a scouring pad? Why not? Are you telling me that with all that’s going on in the world, me taking a Brillo pad to a cast iron pan is going to be the thing that ends the world?