Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose
Got a random email from some company or another extolling the many benefits of hiring a life coach. I read it, too. I mean, who needs a life coach more than I do? I can barely dress myself. I was about to sign up, but when the company refused to issue me Coach Taylor from “Friday Night Lights,” I washed my hands of the whole thing.

I always feel like somebody’s watching me
Russ Dillingham’s drone videos are starting to freak me out. His recent footage, of workers up at the top of the Lewiston City Hall tower, made me want to hurl, but it’s not that. Every time I’m outside doing something embarrassing, I get the idea that Russ’ omnipotent drone is somewhere spying on me from the black sky above. And believe you me, I do a lot of embarrassing things outdoors. I gotta start wearing a fake nose and mustache.

I’m essential!
So, I got a check from the government which is, I’m told, a reward for going to work every day over the past year. I don’t really get it — isn’t my regular paycheck meant to serve that purpose? But whatever. Money is money, and it sure is uplifting to be declared an essential worker. To celebrate, I think I’ll call in sick for a solid week and go out and get absolutely crocked. It’s what the government would want, I think.

The real world needs a hyperspace button
Oh, thaaaaaanks, AARP. While idly web surfing in my never-ending quest for high knowledge and philosophical  perfection, I came across a free game of Asteroids on the AARP website. So much for intellectual bliss. I spent the next six hours shooting at rocks and ducking spaceships, drooling, muttering to myself and sitting in my thickening filth as the battle raged. Not my finest hour, surely, but at least I did come upon one great revelation: I still suck at Asteroids. I didn’t even get to put my initials up on the board for the rest of the world to see. Too bad. When I was a boy, I made an art out of turning three simple letters into something that sounded absolutely filthy.

Graham crackers: a gateway snack
Many of you wonderful people have offered me tips, suggestions and support in these difficult days when finding chocolate graham crackers is next to impossible. One fellow even suggested a drastic approach as the Hannaford brand crackers remain elusive: “Try Keebler Deluxe Grahams instead,” he said. Sure, buddy. I know how this goes. The first one’s free, right? And then I’m on the hook for life.