They’re not saying ‘boo!’ they’re screaming ‘BOOOO!’
A 27-year-old Lewiston man was charged with filing a false report after telling police he got staples in his Halloween candy while trick or treating on the big night. I haven’t read the police report on this one but I’m just going to go ahead and claim he was dressed as Pinocchio and that when his nose stretched all the way across Pine Street, the police knew they had their man.

The night HE came home
In case you’re wondering, I spent a good chunk of Halloween night all alone watching horror flicks in an empty old house. It was scary, especially when the homeowners came home and asked what in blue blazes I was doing in their living room. My bad. Through the eye slits in my circa 1974 Incredible Hulk mask, the place LOOKED abandoned.

Thank God for subtitles
By the way, the surprise movie of the Halloween season for me this year was a Korean flick called “The Wailing.” Very chilling. I slept with the lights on that night, I tell you. Tried to, anyway. Unfortunately, Mr. Get-Out-Of-My-House kept shutting them off. I hope that guy’s mood improves by the time I head over for Thanksgiving dinner.

I’ll be going now
For the second time in around five years, I accidentally walked into the ladies room at a local business. A rather BIG local business. For the second time, I got lucky and there was no one using the ladies room at the time. It always happens the same way. I’m struttin’ along, perhaps whistling while I walk, and I just head right into what I think is the right bathroom. My first thought is always: “Say, where the urinals at?” Then truth dawns, shame and horror follow, and I’ll walk-sprint out of there all pale and unnerved, no longer whistling. I don’t know how this keeps happening. In my defense, I’m not very bright.

Hook a brother up?
It’s happening again. The conspiracy. The horror. I thought we had come through this particular darkness, but no. Evil never goes away for good. That’s right, God-fearing friends. The chocolate graham crackers have disappeared from the stores again. Honey grahams? Sure. Hundreds of boxes. Cinnamon? Same thing. But chocolate, ooooh no. If you want any of those, you better have a connection on the street because you’re not going to find them the legit way. It’s like the Great Potato Stick Debacle of 2020 all over again.

The season of giving
Food shortages, out-of-control fuel prices, political unrest like ya read about … Word on the street is that this year’s hot, must-have toy for Christmas is going to be toilet paper and canned beans. Merry Christmas, son. Now, pack that away in the pantry and let’s get back to the bunker.