Couple selling ‘Conjuring’ house
My first thought when reading this story was that I should try to make arrangements to spend a night in that house for a Sun Journal story. Perfect for Halloween season, am I right? Then I thought about it, considered all the horrors that went down in the movie, and came to a conclusion. What am I drunk? Sorry, can’t do it. I’m busy washing my beard that night. Or something.

I’m conjuring a GOOD movie
Not that I think “The Conjuring” is a good movie, mind you. It’s cheap, formulaic and it relies on jump scares rather than clever writing. I’m not a fan. That said, the creators of the film DO pile enough scares on you during those two hours to keep anyone with an active imagination on edge for the rest of the night. Me, I nailed all my closet doors shut and slept with a Bible.

Is that your mother or a giant spider?
You know what recent movie I found utterly unnerving? “Hereditary.” It’s a rather divisive flick, though. Some say it’s the scariest since “The Exorcist,” while others, like a certain daughter I won’t name, have to stifle yawns all the way through. Not enough jump scares, I suppose. Me, I had to nail all my closet doors shut again that night and I slept with an industrial-sized can of Raid. Because, you know. That thing up on the ceiling.

“Give me my bone…”
You know what story used to render me almost delirious with fright when I was a boy? The old English fairytale called “The Teeny-Tiny Woman,” about a hungry old woman who finds a teeny-tiny bone in a churchyard. She brings the teeny-tiny bone home to make soup out of it, only to be haunted by a teeny-tiny voice from her cupboard that demands “Give me my bone!” The ending of this tale will make you jump out of your skin. Gah! Just recapping the plot of the old story is enough to unsettle me. Now I gotta nail all my cupboards shut, too.

Wait until there’s frost on the pumpkin
Funny, I was going to start this column by complaining about all the Halloween decorations I’ve been seeing in local yards, but now I’ve gone and ruined my own argument. Mind you, I’m an avid fan of Halloween decor, but not when it’s still 85 degrees out and I’m dressed for the beach.