Going my way?
On Webster Street in Lewiston, heading inbound near the Alfred Plourde Parkway, are three arrows painted onto the roadway, pointing straight ahead. They’re there to . . . I don’t know, let drivers know which way is straight, I guess. But the third of these arrows went down rather crooked, so that it’s not so much pointing to Webster Street anymore, it’s pointing off into the nearby woods. As a dual sport rider, I’m awfully tempted to just follow that arrow into the woods and get in some off-roading. I’ll end up in somebody’s backyard, likely, but I can legitimately fall back on the notion that the city told me to do it. Might be worth the rounds of rock salt in the buttockal region.

Stay straight and fly right
Now that I think of it, I shouldn’t joke. Someday someone really WILL follow that arrow off into the puckerbrush. We live in an age where they have to write “do not eat” on bags of marbles and laundry pods, after all.

Emerald ash borer emergency declared in Oxford County
What is THIS now? More pestilence? Seriously, if the times get any more biblical, I’m going to just go ahead and build an ark. I’m sure with current lumber prices, I could have a small one built for just under $5 billion. Book your spot on the Dystopian Express now.

Cushman Pond wins 27-year battle with milfoil
Part of this story involves the heroic work of a milfoil snorkeler, which has to be the coolest job title ever. If I were a single man, I’d be taking pains to work that term into my pickup lines.

What . . . No sticks?
I’m always getting excited driving by Marcotte Park in Lewiston and seeing a whole bunch of cars parked there. Free baseball, I think! I’ll go wheeling in on my motorcycle, negotiating between parked cars to find a prime spot and then I find . . . soccer. Fine sport, soccer, but to me it’s like waking up and thinking it’s Christmas only to find out it’s .  .. I dunno, Arbor Day or something.

Birds of prey
Holy! Who painted the giant bluebird on the side of a building near the corner of Main and Park streets in Lewiston? I was so terrified when I rode by it the other day I almost rolled my bike into a parked car. You laugh, but if you’re ever attacked by a giant bluebird, you definitely won’t want to do it again. Ask me how I know.