GIANT RODENTS INVADE!
Not really, but when I first glanced at the story about a giant hamster wheel floating up on a beach in Florida, I thought there was an actual hamster inside and Jack, that thing would have been huuuuge! It’s a little disappointing to discover that it was just some dude huffing along inside that weird gizmo. Florida could have really cashed in on the hamster vs. alligator fights that would have ensued. Wouldn’t you fork over a few coins to watch that? Sure you would.

How green was my hot dog?
You know what’s worse than finding mold on your hot dog bun? Finding mold on your hot dog bun when you’re halfway through your third dog and the buns all came from the same package. There, I ate something green, are you happy? I don’t care what the dietitians say, bun fungus absolutely counts as a vegetable.

Naked wildlife
Along Lake Auburn, at one of those little pullover areas police were always shooing me from when I first moved to the area, there is a single tree that’s been completely denuded of bark. It’s standing there all naked in a group of fully-barked trees, as though it lost a bet at some point and had to engage in some weird tree version of streaking. I blush a little bit every time I drive by there now.

You shoulda seen it!
While I was on vacation, doing wild and exotic things that took me as far away as Sabattus at times, I spotted a whole bunch of things that I knew would be great filler for this column. But did I write any of them down? Do I remember any of them? No, sir and ma’am, I do not. Just you rest assured that all of these items were hilarious, insightful and thought-provoking. Except for that one thing that was just obscene and has no business in a family newspaper!

LPD shake up
Police Chief Brian O’Malley is now over at City Hall. Lieutenant and public info officer David St. Pierre is now chief. But only temporarily. Nobody really knows who’s doing what at the department right now. I’ll tell you what. They better get it sorted before the giant hamsters get here, because that kind of thing demands leadership.