I gotta take this
So, in Fryeburg, Police Chief Mark Potvin was severely punished for faking a phone call to get out of a (yawn) town board meeting. Maybe there’s more to this story, but man. If everyone who uses intrigue to slip out of a dull meeting is canned, there won’t be much left to the work force. I mean, I ASSUME that everyone does this kind of thing, right? No? Well, me neither then.

Man totals car while counting cash
Well, here’s one that will never happen to me. If I need to count my loot while driving, all I have to do is a give a little shake so I can hear the coins jingling in my pocket. Sweet! I got 65 cents! It’s gonna be a good day.

Bats stall power line corridor work
Well, you know how this would go if we were living in a B movie. Those bats, exposed to intense levels of radiation humming off the power lines, would grow yuge, get mean and terrorize the populace in a fashion that’s gory and occasionally hilarious. The world would be saved at the end only by the heroics of William Shatner, who’s shirtless for some reason.

Now that I think of it
Is there anybody who DOESN’T believe we’re living in a B movie right now? I mean, scan the headlines, bro.

I never get to nuthin’
If you print readers will glance to the left, you’ll see a long story I wrote about the many splendors of the Mahoosuc Land Trust properties. We’re talking sparkling lakes, pristine wilderness and there are even a couple of natural water slides in there. Fun stuff. There is a special kind of cruelty in making a reporter work on this kind of thing when it’s sunny and flirting with 80 degrees outside. To make myself feel better, I scooped up some Park Street, Lewiston, sand and dumped it beneath my desk so I could run my toes through it. I was also shirtless for some reason.

Shirtless for some reason
Boy, if that line doesn’t appear in the eventual news story about my grisly demise, I’ll be peeved.

Oxford County to borrow $1.5 million from casino account to avoid paying interest to bank
I don’t know why I like this headline, but I do. Conjures an image of wily old businessmen drumming their fingers together and cackling all sinister-like over their wicked plan. Also, it’s got a lot of words and that helps get me out of here sooner.

Gotta get
You know, I have a few more hilarious things to tell you here today, but as you can see, my phone is ringing and I really gotta get that. I’m betting it’s Shatner with news of the bats.