All bark, no bite

Some safety minded folks were disturbed, apparently, over my description of my abandoned play with strange dogs. I hang my head and tuck my tail with shame. The fact is, I exaggerated in that column, if you can imagine it, for dramatic effect. I have two rules when it comes to playing with strange dogs: I always get permission from the owners first and I never get so involved that I end up peeing on fire hydrants. Not after what happened the last time.

Moxie Festival canceled

Great. Now what am I supposed to do with the bright orange onesie I had custom made for the event? The cancellation of this festival bums me out. To me, the Moxie Fest is reminiscent of those long-ago pit parties, with throngs of people milling about all over the place with drinks clutched in their hands. The difference being that at the Moxie Festival, you don’t have to run when the cops show up. I mean, I run anyway, but that’s only because I value tradition.

Pale green pants with no one inside ’em

Much talk of Dr. Seuss this week and for a variety of reasons. Two things about Dr. S: I have never spelled his name correctly on the first try and, for better or for worse, my career as a writer — nay, my life in general — was completely shaped by his story “What Was I Scared Of?” which features this kind of chilling narrative: “I was deep in the woods when suddenly I spied them. I saw a pair of pale green pants with nobody inside them!” That story, my friends, twisted me into the jumpy, delirious soul you see ranting before you today.

One dark night in Grin-itch

As it happens, I once DID personally encounter a pair of pale green pants with nobody inside them. It was terrifying! And now you know, at long last, why I ran screaming and crying out of the Goodwill.

Day late, dollar short

Don’t you hate when you think it’s Tuesday, but it’s actually Wednesday, so you put the trash out on the wrong night and seeing this, the wind decides to spring out of the dark and blow your recycling all over creation for all to see? And then you have to run around like an idiot chasing envelopes, flyers and about a hundred empty boxes of mac ‘n cheese all over the neighborhood? Happened to a guy I know. I get the same kind of mix-ups on bath nights now and then, but thankfully that only happens once a month.