It’s cold

I know it’s cold because EVERY SINGLE TIME I step outside, I declare: “Holy $#!@#! It’s !#@! cold!” That’s the scientific way to know for sure that it’s $#!@#! cold. This is exactly how Lord Kelvin, the physicist William Thompson, discovered in 1892 that it was $#!@#! cold outside his lab over there in Glasgow. It was even more scientific when Lord Kelvin said it because he had a beard.

Of course you know this means war

They say this $#!@#! cold is the result of an air mass coming in from Greenland! Greenland! What the $#!@#! did we ever do to them? Whomever is president now ought to declare war.

Lewiston schools struggle with ‘truancy’ during the pandemic

What? How is THIS a thing? I always enjoyed the catch-me-if-you-can thrill of skipping school back in the day, but to get that thrill, you actually had to be outside of the house. We’d literally hide out in the woods all afternoon like la resistance, sending the less popular kids on furtive runs into town for supplies: You know: RC Cola, Pop Rocks . . . These days, if a kid wants to ditch, all he has to do is fail to log in to the school servers that day, but then what? You hide out in the laundry room all day feeling like a bad boy? I tell you, this pandemic is making it real tough for a kid to establish street cred.

Just stawp already

If I see that $#!@#! Bernie-Sanders-in-delightful-mittens meme one more time, I’m moving to Greenland and joining their Arctic Air Army.

You gonna eat that? 

Still now sign of delicious Delectable Stew cat food in the grocery stores. How do I know it’s delicious? Well, if you’re stumbling around hungry at 4 in the morning, that stuff looks just like chicken pot pie that some fool left on the floor and, well . . . things happen at that hour. There’s also been another run on chocolate Graham crackers and lightly salted peanuts. This feels like flagrant market manipulation to me. I blame Greenland.

As above, so below

So, I got a tour of the old Androscoggin County building the other day, including the remains of the old jails upstairs and the weird maze-like basement down below. What was it like? More on this later, but in short, it was like taking a drunken tour of Fort Knox during the rainy season, only with more cops wandering about. And more ghosts, probably. To be fair, though, the county building smells less like pee than the fort.