Avert your eyes!
Did you know that in Turner, they have something called a “view tax?” I kid you not, my incredulous friends. I visited a family out there earlier this week and when I commented on their view of the mountains, all white-capped and rolling and whatnot, I was told that they have to fork over a few extra dollars each year to pay for it. It astounds me that at some point in time, the Johns and Janes of Turner thought the notion of paying extra moolah just to gaze upon nature’s wonders was such a grand idea that they voted it in. I’m not telling anyone what to do, but if I were in this situation, I’d board up my windows so I could no longer see the mountains. No view, no tax, am I right? I’d have to shield my eyes every time I stepped outside the door, and guests would be forbidden to so much as glance as those rolling hills, but that’s a small price to pay to screw Big Daddy Government.

Morris eats the mailman
Well, it’s confirmed. The world is running out of cat food. I say this based on my own observation, but I’ve also heard the same from many a scowling woman shaking their fists with rage over those bare store shelves. This past year has been weird enough, but I tell you, when the cat food runs out, it’s going to be pandemonium. Pandemonium, I say! People may submit to hunger and even dogs will give up eventually, but I tell you, I know cats and cats will not starve. They’re way too pompous for such an undignified thing as starvation. They will find a food source even if they have to resort to . . . But I don’t want to worry anyone. Just sleep with one eye open and try not to smell too much like tuna.

You look delicious
It’s the same way with me and those chocolate graham crackers, you know. I’ve got a small stash now, thanks to some kind and helpful readers, but if I ever run out, man you do NOT want to be smelling like chocolate OR graham in my vicinity.

Pan-de-MOAN-ium
I also wanted to let you know that in the item above, I spelled this word correctly on the VERY FIRST TRY. In fact I spelled it twice! I’m not bragging here, but . . . OK, yes. I’m bragging. This is bigger than that time I spelled “paraphernalia” the right way without ever having to consult spellcheck. These are such wonderous times. I mean, wondrous.

One for you, nineteen for me
By the way, you do NOT want to misspell a word in Turner because they’ll tax you for it. And watch your syntax! I knew a guy who dangled a participle once up on Lower Street. Taxed so bad, he had to sell his ranch and move to Greene.