Livin’ right with the CGC
I know a lot of you have been losing sleep lately as you fret and fume over my inability to find chocolate graham crackers in any of the stores. I appreciate your concern and sympathize with your insomnia, but better days are on the horizon! Firstly, a nice lady named Anita wrote me to deliver life-changing news. The CGC (that’s what us cool kids are calling chocolate graham crackers these days. Get with it, square) can actually be found at the Dollar Tree on Lisbon Street in Lewiston! And they’re only a buck! And secondly, my wife managed to score two boxes of CGC from a different source. I didn’t ask her much about where she got them. I imagine she had to do some pretty unsavory things to get her hands on them, and I appreciate it. Still ain’t sharing the CGC, though.

You tell ’em, Teach!
An alert reader named Sandy has informed me that holiday shows including the Charlie Brown Christmas specials have started to air on television. In mid-October! Before Halloween has had the chance to do its thing! Cruel and deranged, is what it is. I have a feeling that if Chuck Brown himself were asked about this, he’d have strong words to say about the use of his work in this premature celebrating. And his teacher! Why, Miss Othmar would be enraged. “MWAP MWAA MWAPP MWAH!” she’d fume. “You sons of MWHOMP MWHOMP should go straight to MWAMP with a MWAMP WHOMP my foot MWAP in your MWAMP!”

I’m spent
Good lord. Do you know how long it took me to write out those “MWAMPS” and “MHWAHS?” Longer than that whole bit deserves, I’ll tell you that. My hat’s off to Miss Othmar because she has to spend her days talking like that.

Maine astronaut returns to Maine on Wednesday
What, are you high? (See what I did there?) I’m pretty proud that Maine has produced some spacemen, but what is he thinking coming back so soon? If I were you, fella, I’d wait until after the election. Like, a year after.

‘Senate Democrats block relief bill as rancor intensifies’
I don’t know what any of that means, really. I just wanted to get “rancor” in here somehow. Sounds vaguely dirty, doesn’t it? Heard you got caught engaging in two-handed rancor last night. You disgust me!

Tears for the pink can
Boy, I hate being the bearer of bad news all the time, but did you hear that Tab cola is being discontinued? My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. I don’t know how you’re going to maintain that 1970s lifestyle without Tab cola. Wear more jogging shorts and tube socks, I guess.