Keyed up

So, I got this new truck — the Nissan Titan, you may bow in worship now — but it came with just one key, so I figured I’d go have a couple new ones cut. You know, fork over five or six bucks and the nice lady will chop up some new keys for you on that cool machine. But, what’s this? Five or six bucks won’t cut it, you say? It’ll actually cost 75 !@#!$! bucks for just ONE key? You say if I want a pair of keys it’ll cost more than $100? When the nice lady told me this, I figured she was just drunk so I went somewhere else. Nope. Same thing. They say it’s all about the “transponder,” whatever in blue blazes that is, and there’s no way around it. These newer cars, man, I tell you. They’ll nickel and dime you to death. It makes me long for the days when cars were so simple, if you lost your keys, you just popped the casing off your steering column and used a screwdriver to start it.

I’m all out of bubblegum

If you read this sentence it looks pretty innocuous. But here, try reading it with these sunglasses on and whoa! Completely different message, right? A simple sentence is suddenly transformed into a chilling revelation about the world we’re living in. You’re welcome. Now gimme the glasses back, those suckers cost 12 bucks at the Walgreens. And anyway, I bring this up only because the Bridgton Twin Drive-In has made the ridiculous — nay, the UNAMERICAN — decision to replace the movie “They Live” with some stupid flick called “Hocus Pocus” this weekend. Now, I don’t care how good “Hocus Pocus” is or how it fills you with fond nostalgia for the halcyon days of childhood or blah blah blah. The chance to see “They Live” at the drive-in just delighted me to no end and now it’s been cruelly taken away for some Disney fluff. I’m so mad, I could spit. (If you read that last sentence with the glasses on, it’s much more vicious and profane.)

Bats removed from Lewiston home

I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, but did you even considering training this bat colony and using them as very lifelike Halloween decorations? Dazzle your friends! Amaze your neighbors! Ensure that nobody visits you, like, ever!

Poland approves pot shop

Just one? I thought by law, towns were required to have at least five of these things per square mile. That’s what it looks like in some towns, anyway. Pot shops are the Walgreens for small towns. If you don’t have one on every other corner, you’re not doing it right.

Fly lands on Mike Pence

I tell you, we live in a great country where even a common housefly can become a worldwide phenomenon overnight. That grown-up maggot put in the hard work, got himself in the right place at the right time and now he’s famous. No more dumpster diving for that dude. From now on, he gets his pickings from the indoor trash. That’s an American success story right there.