I shall guard it with my life

I can’t say whom and I can’t say how, but somebody somewhere procured for me a delicious chocolate cake decorated in the shape of a roll of toilet paper. It’s really quite a marvel. I’d share it with you, but I know how you people are. At the very first glimpse of that now iconic shape, one of you would try to mug me and take the whole roll for yourself. I’ll have to eat the thing only after midnight and then only in the darkest and most well protected corner of my basement. In fact, you know what? Forget I said anything. There is no cake!

Zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom

Seems like everybody is using the Zoom app right now to conduct their virtual meetings or to connect with their virtual loved ones. Not many people know this, but according to FCC rules, every Zoom meeting is required to start the way the 1970s kid show started. A snappy beat, a little song and everybody has to introduce themselves with a level of enthusiasm that borders on insane. “I’m Michael!” “I’m Sherry!!!” “I’m Paul!!!!!” Of course, since we’re all working from home these days, instead we should probably try to use more pertinent facts in our introductions. “I’m drunk!” “I’m not wearing any pants!!” “I’m secretly making a rude gesture at all of you off screen!!!”

What snow?

What . . . No weather story in the paper or on the TV news? We finally had some snow and it didn’t require three day’s worth of news updates to let us know it was coming? Go figure. All it took to get the media to stop squawking about the weather was the end of the world.

I stand corrected

I just looked out the window and there’s no snow out there. Surely it didn’t melt THAT fast. I must have imagined the snow. So, now we know: For me personally, eight days of isolation is when I begin hallucinating. Fascinating. This is all going in my report, which, let’s face it, probably isn’t real either.

The world is watching

Now that police are arresting fewer people in order to keep the jail population down, one bright side is that if you’re stupid or unfortunate enough to get arrested anyway, chances are good you’ll have the police log aaaaall to yourself. When our readers flip to the log in the morning, they’ll find only your name there to ponder. Why, it’ll be like standing on a stage all alone with a whole auditorium full of eyes gazing upon you. A little daunting, ain’t it? Pro tip: To calm your jitters, just picture us in our underpants. With the work-from-home concept all the rage right now, that’s probably a fairly realistic image anyway.