Scrub-a-dub-dub
In an effort to help combat the troublesome virus, I will be washing my hands twice as often as I would in ordinary circumstances. To compensate for the time spent doing that, I shan’t wash anything else until the crisis has passed. Always happy to do my part.

Capital letters are stupid anyway
Well, so much for my plan to quit swearing over the weekend. I was on a pretty good run for 10 minutes after I rolled out of bed, but then that stupid @#$!@ pin thingy in my keyboard shift key let go and began to stick every time I tried to capitalize something. If that wasn’t enough to end my impressive 10-minute profanity-free run, I was definitely done for when I tried to fix the @#$!@# thing. Do they make those shift keys all weak and impossible to repair because they know people will eventually lose their @!#$# minds trying to fix them? Do they do it for laughs because they know there are people out here trying to quit cussing. Seriously, bros. YOU try to keep it clean when you’ve just broken an entire keyboard across your knee.

Don’t be greedy
To ensure the availability of products for all readers, Talk of the Town will be limited to just two items per customer. Trust us, your lives will only be enriched by cutting it short here today.

Balance restored
Oh, I see how it is. We finally get a break and have a nice, easy winter, but to compensate, we get hit with the plague. Seems fair. I suppose if we have a sunny, dry summer, come fall we get slammed with an asteroid. Pretty good bet I’m going to swear when it happens, too.

Lewiston stabbing
Oh, no he DI’INT! Ain’t nobody got time for that street crime nonsense. Unless you shanked a guy over a roll of toilet paper, you’re not doing it right. In the interest of fairness, street hooliganism must be limited to acts that are in some way related to the current crisis. Snap to it, punks.