My embarrassing friend
So, I have this buddy who’s soooo lame, he let his wife talk him into watching “Outlander” with her. Ha! Loser! I mean, we’re talking about a classic bodice ripper that’s only thinly veiled as a period drama with some murky time travel and an occasional sword fight. This is a show for bored housewives, yet there my friend is watching episodes night after night with my wife . . . HIS wife, I mean. I’d publicly name the boob, but it would be utterly mortifying for me . . . For him! My friend. The boob.

Bloomberg drops out of race
And my overwrought email box just heaved a massive sigh of relief. My YouTube page, too, which had been hit by so many Bloomberg ads, it was starting to burn a hole in my computer monitor. Now I guess the billionaire can go back to doing . . . whatever it is the guy does when he’s not giving professional spammers a run for their money.

Sun Spots: Behind the curtain, or something
Listen, you. If you’ve ever been helped by the Sun Journal’s Sun Spots — and let’s be honest: who among us hasn’t turned to its great omniscience for help with bean recipes, lost chihuahuas, pumpkin carving tips, sandwich ingredients, baby names, stain removal instructions or advice on sensitive male matters at one time or another — I’d like to hear about it. Ostensibly this is all part of a simple feature story I plan to write, but in reality, I’m making a bold power move to take over the Sun Spots empire. I’m actually thinking of writing in for advice on how to engage in a hostile takeover. I mean, Sun Spots knows everything!

Y’all ain’t right
What’s the deal with everybody using “y’all” these days, even if they’ve never once stepped foot across the Mason-Dixon line? Seems to me that if you’re going to deploy this handy contraction, you need to have spent appreciable time skipping around in front of a true Southern manor while wearing a massive hat and singing “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” while birds (SOUTHERN birds) flit about your head. Maybe one of our nine dozen presidential candidates could make this a major part of his platform.

So, do you want to make out, or what?
I keep getting these weird emails from people outlining what I should do to avoid contracting and spreading Coronavirus, and it all sounds like common sense to me. Wash your hands. Don’t sneeze into the faces of others. Don’t hug, kiss or otherwise grope strangers in public places. Don’t lick bus station handrails and/or bathroom equipment. Don’t lick your fingers when flipping through paperwork. Don’t lick the fingers of others when flipping through paperwork. Basically no licking. If you’re sick, stay home from work. If you’re well, stay home from work — I mean, come on, it’s really nice out! Just don’t lick anything out there and you’ll be fine.