You shouldn’t have

Some incredibly nice person sent me a note along with a significant amount of cash to help with my truck repairs. The gesture is unbelievably kind and it’s another sign that there are still plenty of good people left in the world. The problem is that I’m extremely uncomfortable accepting money from readers, so I’d like to return it at once. If the kind-hearted sender would get in touch with a name and address, I shall return the loot posthaste along with a heaping helping of gratitude. I’d throw in some of my own holiday baked goods, too, but you’re obviously an extraordinarily nice person and I wouldn’t inflict you with something so horrible. You’re too kind, sir or madam.

Flasher on the loose in Lewiston!

A hilarious number of people wrote, called or otherwise disturbed me early in the week to ask why Lewiston City Hall was winking at them. You know the drill. Lewiston has those fancy new lights up there in their tower and they like to flash them on special occasions. Unfortunately, their idea of a special occasion is to announced to the minions that a parking ban is in effect because of the snowfall. YAAAAAWN! Frankly, if it were up to me, I’d say you only get to set those lights to a-blinkin’ in matters of life-changing importance. To announce that the city has declared war on Auburn, for instance. That would be a perfectly valid excuse to flash us all.

War with Auburn!

I don’t know how a war between Lewiston and Auburn would turn out. I mean, Lewiston’s all big and bad and scrappy, but Auburn is fit and lean and keeps in pretty good shape. Not to mention that crazy, rampaging bull out there on Washington Street. I don’t mind a little good-natured warring over the Androscoggin River, but I’ve got to admit that I want nothing to do with that bull.

No bull

And speaking of that crazy, rampaging bull, didn’t you just love the way he glowered at the camera when some fool took his picture? Why, after seeing that bull mugging in such a way, I had a thirst for Colt 45 the rest of the day.

A perfect circle

I went to Hannaford the other day for . . . well, just you never mind. It’s embarrassing. Anyway, they had some giant Christmas wreaths out on display in front of the store. Wreaths so big, in fact, you could drive a bull straight through ’em.

Bite me

And speaking of my truck (thanks for bringing it up again), it’s home from the shop and parked safely in my carport. I pity the fool who tries to molest it again. You think that rampaging Auburn bull is scary? You should see the creature I have guarding the Ranger. Whooo, dawg!