Flush with pride
Had quite the good time over the weekend cruising around and examining the various mounds of trash put out for Auburn’s spring cleanup, or whatever they’re calling it now. You can tell a lot about a society by the things they throw out, you know. This year, I saw toilets. Lots of toilets. Good for you people. It’s about time you quit those disgusting habits.

Red light, green light
You know what the fine people of Auburn SHOULD throw to the curb to be hauled away and destroyed? Those wretched traffic lights at Hampshire and Turner streets. Seriously, why is the Turner Street light red for 30 minutes at a time when there’s almost never anyone actively driving on Hampshire Street? Break it up into tiny chunks and chuck it to the curb, I say.

That noise cats make when they’re about to hurl
And speaking of toilets, I saw a massive sign in a hardware store window the other day that boasted: “Home of the up flush toilet!” I’m not sure what “up flush” entails, but man do I like the sound of it. Seems to me like it ought to be a verb. As in, “My dear, if I eat any more of this rancid meatloaf, I’m going to up flush all over the dining room.” Upchuck is out. Up flush is in. Make it happen, people.

My cotton candy is soggy
And speaking of rain, where is Smokey’s Greater Shows this year? Usually when it rains nonstop for a month in the spring, it’s a sure bet the carnival is in town. I wonder if they actually set up somewhere but we can’t see them because they’re under water. OMG! Now that I think of it, how much fun would an underwater carnival be? Make it happen, people.

Fear of telling bad jokes
So the Lewiston prom this year was held at the Agora Grand Event Center. You know what they call it if you go there and then become afraid to go outside? Agoragoraphobia. Happened to a guy I know.

Walmart to offer groceries to go
Swell. People are so lackadaisical about shopping at big box stores already, 50 percent of them show up in pajamas and slippers. If these same people don’t even have to get out of their cars to shop, I imagine they’ll just stop getting dressed all together and we’ll have a bunch of bollocky bare folks sitting around in cars outside the store. So we have that to look forward to.

Bollocky bare
Had to Google that to see if I’d spelled it right. Won’t do THAT again.