Elf on a shelf

Why is that little guy not in prison? You weirdos keep sending me your photos of the depraved elf and the things I’ve seen him do cannot be discussed in a family newspaper. The dude should at least get his elfin butt to rehab.

A holiday poem, maybe

Here’s a nice poem sent in by a reader, who never signs his name so I’m never able to thank him. Whatever, though. Over the Christmas break, I’d like you all to read this poem and describe what it means to you:

“Doctor Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain.

He stepped in a puddle, right up to his middle, and never went there again.”

Schitt’s Creek

Ha ha! The editors have to let me say that because it’s the title of a television show. It’s an awesome show at that, starring Eugene Levy and a bunch of his offspring. It’s only two seasons in, but I can safely that it’s the best series I’ve seen since “Weeds” gobbled up three weeks of my life. Of course, grain of salt with my reviews. Remember, I’m one of just three people on the planet who didn’t think “Stranger Things” was all that.

Electoral overtime

Boy, did that turn out to be anti-climatic. For some reason, I thought Electoral College Day was going to be akin to double sudden death overtime in game seven of the NHL Stanley Cup, but nope. There wasn’t even one mid-ice collision or bench clearing brawl.

Sox trade Buchholz

Ah, who cares. It’s December, for crying out loud.

Official winter

If Wednesday was the shortest day of the year, how come we all still had to work eight hours? I’m going to take this up with human resources.

Double your pleasure

For those of you counting at home, you will see that I have not one but TWO columns in today’s paper. Why, you ask? Because you’ve been very bad and the Sun Journal is all out of coal.

Ice, ice baby

Feeling depressed? Spending your first Christmas alone after that shrew of a wife took off with your children, dog and pickup truck? Buck up, Zippy. Watch this video of a man falling for nine seconds and you’ll feel better at once. (If you’re not reading this online and can’t see the link, just imagine a man falling for nine seconds and you’ll feel at least a little bit better. Sucks about the wife, though.)