Half in the bag

A report came in earlier in the week of a man walking down East Avenue in Lewiston with a bag over his head. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, maybe the guy is simply ugly and self-conscious about his appearance. But no. This guy was walking around with a Ziploc bag on his head. A Ziploc is typically clear, which means this was a fellow who is completely comfortable with the way he looks. He’s just not real crazy about breathing, apparently.

Lewistonsylvania

There was also a report of a man who believed he was a vampire causing mischief in Lewiston. When police arrived, they found no such man, but minutes later, there was a complaint of a bat flapping around at the same address, so the trip wasn’t wasted.

Honk!

When I showed up at the Kora Shrine Circus in Lewiston last week, it was like going to a reunion at a frat house. All the clowns, from Bow Wow to Turkey Lips, gave me a warm reception a full year after I’d painted my face and stepped into a pair of over-sized shoes to join their ranks. Once a clown, always a clown, apparently. If this trend carries through, I guess I’ll also always be a woman, paintball target, Civil War soldier, beekeeper, police baton dummy and Taser recipient. I am blessed.

Americana

The fire department was requested for a report of a cat stuck in a tree, which is as wholesome a call as you will ever hear over the police scanner. When I arrived at the scene, there was an apple pie cooling on a window sill, a young lad in overalls painting a fence and a pair of freckle-faced girls jumping rope. Not to mention Norman Rockwell, who was there painting the scene. It was awesome, yo.

Giant!

Was I the only one terrified by the picture on last Saturday’s front page of a kid playing with toy cars at Oxford Plains Speedway? At first glance, it looked like a gargantuan shirtless child sitting next to a bridge, plucking motorists right off the freeway. I screamed a bit. It turned out to be simple photographic magic this time, but I think we all know that the day of giant, car-eating children is coming.

‘It’s all about the Tubmans’

That’s what you are to say while negotiating shady, back-alley deals now that Harriet Tubman is replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. Of course, the person on the other end of the negotiation might not be up on current events and will suspect that you’re giving him sass. Consider it a teaching moment and simply explain the matter while he or she beats you savagely with a pool cue. 

Bank shot

Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for Jackson to get booted from the $20 – he was no friend of central banks, you know, regarding them as “a den of vipers and thieves” and promising to rout them out. Of course, that was nearly 200 years ago. It’s a pity Jackson isn’t around to see how honest and fair our banks have become.