So, it turns out, the average Maine tax return will net $586 from the state this tax season.

We are apparently not average in this way, our tax refunds being decidedly south of nearly $600. (By about $600.) But that doesn’t stop us from dreaming.

And shopping.

If you’re average — only for this, because in all other ways, you’re singularly fab — then you have some splurge money to spend this tax season. And maybe you need a little help with that?

We’re nothing if not helpful.

Tax return spending — let us count the 586 ways.

• Sam’s Italian Foods catering, pickup meal for 36 people, $569.86

Celebrate your tax refund with an Italian feast for your entire office. Sam’s catering menu has a ton to choose from, but we suggest: a large veggie platter, large cheese and cracker platter, three dozen finger rolls, six pounds each potato salad and tropical fruit salad, lasagna for 30, chicken Parmesan for 20-24, cheese ravioli for 20-24, a mini whoopie pie platter and a chocolate chip cookie platter. And you’ll have enough left over for a large mushroom pizza and soda for yourself.

We’ll be over at noon.

• Walk and Learn Lewiston, Lewiston Adult Ed., 22 tickets, $330

There are two separate walking tours, one specific to the history of downtown (May 7) and the other specific to the mill district (May 14). With 11 slots available in each, at $15 a person, you can easily pay for both tours for you and 10 friends. Check out the canals up close, soak in the architecture. Begin both with guided tours of Museum L-A and a snack.

Unfortunately, the walking tour of Baxter Brewing happened last month, but hey, with $256 of your refund left and the third annual Great Falls Brewfest coming up June 25, we’re sure you can figure something out. (Beer. The answer is beer.)

• Ukulele 101, SAD 52 Adult and Community Education, lessons for seven people, $560

Reading the phrase “Ukulele 101” just now, you got a little more hip. Think of what four weeks of lessons will do! You’ll be wearing suspenders and a handlebar mustache before you know it! Yes, even if you’re a woman. That’s what we hear.

Classes start April 27.

• 1-pound hard-shell lobsters, Gendron’s Seafood, 63 for $585.27 ($9.29/pound, subject to change)

Host your own lobster bake! There’s no better way to kick off the near-beach season of spring and no better way to ensure 62 people RSVP to your party than dangling free lobster.

Just dangle responsibly.

• Buy a Community Supported Agriculture share! (various prices, so maybe even buy two or three)

According to the Maine Organic Farmers and Gardeners Association, you can choose from 14 farms in Androscoggin County, nine in Oxford County and eight in Franklin County. A share gets you a regular supply of farm goods, including — depending on the farm — veggies, fruit, milk, eggs, meat, herbs, pickles and honey.

Choose by how close the farm is to you, by how you like the cut of their cucumber or how cute their chicks are.

Money might not grow on trees, but great food does.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who can’t do the math to figure out how many Milk Bones $586 would buy; let’s just say a lot) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.