Ice out

Is it out now? How about now? Now? Yes, it’s that time of year, when we all prognosticate on when the ice will go out of Lake Auburn, occasionally getting into fistfights over it, only to completely forget about the whole thing by the time it actually happens. Ice out, schmice out, that’s what I say.

Gone fishin’

It IS fishing season, though, and that’s cause for celebration right there. And while we’re on the subject, can anyone tell me why they call it angling? I’d look it up but that would require me looking it up. Who has that kind of time?

Pot holes

Let’s make these illegal and leave the other kind of pot alone. No pot head ever mangled my rims or caused the muffler to fly off my car. Except for that once, but that was just a misunderstanding.

Frost heaves

You know which of these are the worst? The kind that cause your traveling companion to say “Look out. Frost heave” a tenth of a second before your car is flung into the air and your hubcaps fly off in different directions like bitter enemies who can’t wait to get away from each other.

Mud

Had my first encounter with this stuff just last week as I was responding to a fire call off Russell Street in Lewiston. Stepped out of my truck onto what looked like solid ground and SQUOOOOGE! My boot vanished and wet slimy stuff filled my socks. Why am I bothering you with this information? Because I wanted to try out SQUOOOOGE as a literary sound effect. It needs work.

Beer, Pot Bills in Spotlight

I’m familiar with beer and pot (did I ever tell you about that time my hubcaps flew off?), but who are these Bills we’re supposed to get excited about? Most Bills I know don’t even like to party.

Cuffed and stuffed

On Tuesday, a report came over the police scanner of a handcuffed man running down the street before subsequently vaulting a parking garage turnstile. You have to admit that this would require incredible agility and determination. I propose we launch a series of Olympic-style games specifically geared toward the ‘hood. The Handcuff Jump, the Perp Walk, the Third-Story-Window Escape, the 40-Ounce-Beer Carry, the Downtown Pole Lean, the Evidence Toss . . . These are just some of the athletic events that seemed like they’d be fun to make up, but weren’t. Just forget I said anything.