Cawfee

So at a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through in Lewiston Monday, the stranger in the car ahead of me paid for my coffee before driving away. Very nice. The dude was driving a white SUV with Florida plates, so now to pay it forward, I have to head to the Sunshine State. See you in late May, suckers!

ZOT!

Is anybody else getting more than his fair share of static shocks from touching doorknobs, car handles, appliances and other hunks of junk made of metal? Don’t you just hate that? It’s been so intense lately that I’ve taken to punching anything that might be metallic, the idea being that the sting of shock is lost in the more bruising pain of impact. Or something. It doesn’t work. Whomever invented static electricity ought to be ashamed of his or herself.

Anglers, Yellow Perch Fans Battle Hungry Cormorants

This is a real headline out of Vermont from our Monday paper. I didn’t actually read the article because it’s too scary. It sounds like a 1970s horror film starring William Shatner and possibly Michael York.

The Running Man

So, I joined my wife for a romp on the treadmill at the company gym (that’s not some vile euphemism, although it seems like it should be) and do you want to guess how long it took me to fall off the damn thing? One minute. Just one minute on the treadmill and I was careening off the back of it and slamming into the wall like every video blooper you’ve ever seen. Sadly, I didn’t see any of the world whip by because I was in the act of taking my shirt off when the unfortunate mishap occurred and it was over my head. WHAM! Into the wall, leaving behind a Mark-shaped dent while a certain wife just gaped at me and said something helpful like “You’re not supposed to stop walking when the treadmill is on.”

Hot stuff

After I burn myself on a hot pan or engine part, that very same wife will invariably offer useful advice such as “Careful. That’s hot.”

Forget the candles and party hats

To celebrate National Freedom of Information Day – not to mention Sunshine Week, an occasion that’s meant to educate the public on the importance of open government – President Obama and his people officially declared that the White House administrative office will no longer be subject to freedom of information requests. How’s THAT for transparency? The only thing that’s open about this government is the way they openly spit in our faces.

30 minutes or less

In Portland, a couple of humps stole a pizza delivery car and were caught by police after they forgot to remove the business sign from the roof. It’s a move so muddle-headed and stupid, you have to assume that they must have fallen off a treadmill earlier in the day.