DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 years. He adopted my oldest son, and we have three kids together. All of our children are loved and accepted by his extended family; my in-laws refer to me as their daughter.

Everything is fine with the exception of my husband’s brother “Todd” and his wife, “Pearl.” Mostly it’s Pearl. Todd goes along with her because he’s a good husband.

Abby, Pearl hates me. She literally hates me. After many years of strange rules placed on us regarding them and their children, the ugly truth came out six months ago. They wish we had never gotten married, and do not agree with or accept our marriage and children. With no further explanation, their relationship with us is over. Not only with us, but the rest of the family as well!

My head tells me it’s their problem, but my heart is heavy. We are all grieving, but seeing my in-laws’ heartache when we visit with or talk to them makes me feel guilty. What do I do to get over this and not feel responsible for their actions? — FEELING GUILTY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If Pearl and Todd have estranged themselves from the entire family, remember that this is THEIR problem. If they are happier going their own way, you must allow them to continue on their chosen path.

While I’m sure it’s painful to see your in-laws grieve, you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions, so stop torturing yourself with guilt. Continue being the loving, supportive daughter-in-law and wife you have always been. Stay busy and involved with your own life. There is probably more to this than you have put in your letter, but the person with the problem is your sister-in-law. If you continue to internalize it, you are making a mistake.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who began homeschooling two of her children five years ago, but I honestly don’t know how long she kept with it. I know for sure that she is no longer homeschooling, nor is she sending her children to any other school.

Is this any of my business? I go back and forth about whether to report what’s going on, but I’m afraid of what kind of trouble my friend will get into. Then I think about the education and friendships her children are missing.

Her kids are completely isolated, sleep all day, stay up all night and hardly go outside at all. The situation is strange. I feel it’s my responsibility to report the truancy, but I’d appreciate your opinion. — TRUANCY IN OHIO

DEAR TRUANCY: Children have only a brief window of time in which to learn the skills they will need to survive in our society. Basic reading and math skills are critical, and so are civics.

What you describe could be considered a form of child neglect, so please DO report it for the sake of the kids. Something may be very wrong in your friend’s household, and an investigation should take place to make sure the children aren’t also suffering from any other sort of deprivation.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)