Grieving during the holidays

By Deborah Carroll

Feature Writer

There are many reasons why people experience grief. According to James Lynch, CFSP, of Pinette & Lynch in Lewiston, “If you choose to love, you choose to grieve.”

“Death,” added Pinette, “does not follow a schedule.”

According to Kerry Irish, LCSW and Psychosocial Services Coordinator at the Patrick Dempsey Center for Hope & Healing, “The holidays are a particularly tender time for the bereaved because they are filled with both memories and expectations.”

“The holidays are meant to be festive,” said Lynch, “but when faced with the loss of someone we love it is important to remember that you don’t have to force yourself to be jolly.”

“While there is no right or wrong way to grieve,” said Irish, “there are positive steps people can take that help with the healing process.”

Practice self-care

Irish suggested “paying close attention to one’s needs, energy levels and feelings [and] not getting too caught up in the whirlwind of the season, allowing it to run you ragged.”

Take the time to grieve

“While it’s natural to sometimes wish to avoid the strong feelings of sadness and grief that are inherent after a loss, allowing one’s self to experience and release those feelings is necessary to recover and heal,” said Irish.

Share memories

“The first time that a family sits down at the [holiday] table after a loved one has passed often evokes strong feelings and memories. Rather than ignore ‘the empty chair,’ I’d encourage folks to take some moments to acknowledge the absence of their loved one, and to share memories,” said Irish.

Lynch said, “Grief shared is grief diminished. By honoring a life [through the sharing of memories], it eases the ache in the heart.”

Both Lynch and Irish spoke of “miss-steps” that can make the process of healing more difficult.

Although many want to avoid the realities and pain of losing someone they love, Lynch stressed that, to heal, “You can’t go around it, you have to go through it.”

According to Irish, “When people try to ignore or deny the loss and muscle through the holiday season as if nothing has happened, they only delay the healing … acknowledging the loss and making time to process one’s feelings facilitates healing.”

Another “miss-step,” said Irish, is “numbing out.” She explained, “The holidays offer a lot of opportunities to over indulge [and] people sometimes turn to shopping, food, alcohol or other additions to avoid feeling the pain. Ironically, addictions simply end up compounding it.”

Renee Tash of Dover-Foxcroft, has recently experienced two significant losses. In December of 2009, Tash’s mother passed away, and in March of 2013, she lost her husband.

“Since I went from one loss to the other, I never had time to heal or grieve the loss of my mother … when I lost my husband, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have done a lot of things to heal,” said Tash. “I joined a gym, I walk, listen to music and go for long drives. On my first few long drives I wanted to drive away from my small town and never look in my rear view mirror or go back,” she shared, “but currently it doesn’t hurt so much to have to be home, and I have a 17-year-old who needs me now more than ever.”

Regarding the holidays, nothing has ever made any holiday any easier, and not one is any harder than the other. With time it becomes more tolerable and not so empty.” Tash said she focuses on what she can do for her son to help make his holidays happy and full.

“I will never try to pretend or to reinvent any [holiday] traditions to keep them going,” she said. “With that being said, my son and I are going on a Caribbean cruise, and leaving Christmas behind. Next year,” she added, “may be a whole new adventure.”

To help a friend or loved one who is grieving this holiday season, Irish recommended that you simply remember to express your care and concern in a sincere and genuine way. “You can’t take away the pain or make it better, but you can be quietly present and loving.” She also suggested that you ask what you can do to help, and only offer to do things that you can truly follow through with.

Finally, said Irish, “It’s also important not to hold too many expectations or to either purposefully or accidentally put pressure on the person to celebrate the holidays in the way that they’ve done before [as they] may opt not to celebrate at all, or to approach the season in a different way.”

The Dempsey Center offers free educational opportunities and support groups for people whose lives have been impacted by cancer, as well as short-term individual grief counseling for those who have lost a loved one to cancer this year.

In addition, said Irish, “We host ‘Guidance Through Grief,’ an eight-week grief education and support group offered by Androscoggin Home Care & Hospice for anyone whose loved one has died, not just for those who’ve lost a loved one to cancer.”

For more information, visit www.dempseycenter.org or call The Dempsey Center for Hope & Healing at 795-8250.