Weird beards

The tradition of baseball players growing beards for the postseason has been around for a long time, but the Red Sox have really raised the bar. I would be shocked, for example, if Mike Napoli doesn’t have a small colony of wrens living on his face. When a man grows that much facial hair, of course, the laws of nature dictate that he’ll look like either Sigmund Freud, Grizzly Adams or Mephistopheles. And that’s how it turned out for the Red Sox with the sole exception of Dustin Pedroia, who looks like a Keebler elf on a bender. Not that I’m one to talk. When I try to grow a beard, it looks like I was head-butted in the face by Bea Arthur.

I’m just jealous

I’ve been waiting 28 years for the Kansas City Royals to grow beards. If postseason appearances were hair, the Royals would be as bald as coots.

Settle down

Coots are crane-like birds whose heads give the appearance of baldness. Thank you, Wikipedia.

Halloween thefts

You know, people wouldn’t steal holiday decorations so often if we started putting real gargoyles on our front porches. Have you ever seen a gargoyle bite? It’s nasty.

You kids get off my lawn

Oh, that’s just great. Facebook is now trying to draw more teens, which will only mean headaches for those of us who are trying to use the platform for serious work. (I almost made it through that entire sentence with a straight face.)

Despite fly, wild blueberry crop robust

Great headline in Wednesday’s paper. I thought it was a euphemism for something filthy when I first read it, but nope. Just blueberries.

Speaking of blood-curdling screams

If you heard one of those around 1 a.m. Thursday morning, that would’ve been me walking face first into a spider web. It took me an estimated .005 seconds to fling off every stitch of clothing while sprinting up Pleasant Street. Thank God I don’t have a beard.