So Steven Seagal is trying to warm U.S.-Russian relations.

I mean, why not?

The man of action recently helped a U.S. congressional delegation fact-finding tour in Russia, reportedly getting access to some hard-to-reach Russian officials.

The story made Bag Lady do a double take. I hadn’t thought about Steven Seagal for years, at least not since “Steven Seagal: Lawman.” Although that’s with regret. According to the Internet Movie Database, he was in something called “Sheep Impact” in 2011. Which just, well, wow.

Since Bliss lets the news influence its themes some weeks, Bag Lady immediately thought, ‘Shopping for Steven Seagal!’

There would be ponytail holders, hair gel, karate robes, herbal teas and, of course, his voluminous movie catalog.

Only then it struck me like a roundhouse kick: Steven Seagal would not approve.

Steven Seagal does not need to be bothered with hair things and gis and teas. Steven Seagal has Important Things To Do. Like hang out in Russia. You just know he has fist-bumped Vladimir Putin. Wait. Do the kids still fist-bump? I feel like we’ve moved beyond that. Maybe they’ve traded Grumpy Cat gifs.

Retail-inspiration wise, Bag Lady kitten-heeled on. 

The last week has also been abuzz with news about the National Security Agency collecting our phone records. Do I shop for burner cells? For bedazzled cases? For the Bill of Rights?

But that wasn’t a good fit, either. I’m actually a bit incensed.

You won’t like me when I shop angry.

Out of the Maine State House this week, there’s concealed-carry news (shopping for the best undershirt holster?), the lingering state budget deliberations (best PJs for an Appropriations Committee overnight?) and word we won’t be slaughtering horses for dinner (um, fist bump! And shopping for sidesaddles?).

Columns for another time, maybe. Bag Lady is too busy waiting by the phone in case a European country calls in need of an envoy. I mean, why not?

Cat Butt Week 13: The Reckoning

The cat butt mug in the office sink featured in our April 5 column?

IT’S STILL THERE. Seriously.

I guess I’m not sure of the office policy on abandoned property. Maybe the wait is a full year. Funny thing is, I don’t even want it gone anymore. I want it to stay, become fertile enough to support life, animate, and speak.

It might even have ideas for the state budget, one just never knows.

Also, “Cat Butt Week 13: The Reckoning” would be an amazing title for a movie. Steven Seagal, it’s yours.

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who love Grumpy Cat) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at baglady@sunjournal.com.