We’ve driven by, conservatively, between the two of us, 50,000 times. Each and every time we assumed the place was off limits, a shop we’d never shop, what with the firmly shut door, the lack of cars out front and the bygone look of the vintage sign.

The building’s exterior always held a certain Stephen King movie-of-the-week vibe to boot, the only things missing being flickering fluorescent lights and “Save yourself!” written in hot breath on the windows.

Auburn Novelty Shop, you were an enigma.

Until, that is, Bag Lady found herself idling at a Turner Street stoplight two weeks ago and glanced over. The paper sign on the door: “Open Monday 10 a.m. – 1 p.m.”

An open invitation!

It didn’t take us long to beat feet. Step one was waiting for a Monday. Step two: Soaking in five floors of awesome.

The stock can best be described as “American Pickers” meets great-grandmother’s attic meets oh-my-god-I-had-that-in-my-room-when-I-was 13. One can only imagine that most of the stock comes from estate sales and high-end flea market picking. (Turns out the store is affiliated with Orphan Annie’s antique shop right down the road.)

There were tons of glassware and fancy plates, along with oodles of lamps, furniture, books, music, wall hangings, toys, and odds and ends. Most price tags had two numbers (think 45/30), and we were told to pay attention to the lower number. Already it feels like a bargain!

Great for Christmas shopping. If you can go this coming Monday. If not, check it out when you have some time. You’ll want to wander.

* Black rotary phone, $35

So old school cool that we want these to start showing up again in people’s homes. And they will. Because everything comes back. We’re talking to you, J.R. and “Dallas.”

* Ornate, antique wooden ship, $95

This scale model is more than a foot tall with white, yellow and red masts. You can almost smell the Viking. Or the pirate. We can guarantee it’s a ship. We cannot guarantee which era it faux sailed.

* Zenith floor-model radio, $150

About waist high and, by appearances, very heavy. Shopping Siren’s grandparents had a radio like this in their basement for decades. How they got it down there remains a family mystery. 

* Framed 1888 marriage certificate, $30

Elaborate certificate avowing the marriage of Miss Walker, of Fryeburg, to Mr. Andrews, of Lovell, in 1888. Large, framed, with extravagant calligraphy. Maybe this was why people didn’t get divorced so often back then — the marriage certificates were too pretty to walk away from.

* Trunks, about $40 to $75

There’s a fine line between old and antique, and we’re not sure where that line is for steamer trunks. But even if these aren’t antique, per se, they look very cool. Just the right amount of battered without any actual damage.

* Shedd’s peanut butter 5-pound tin bucket, $20

One shudders to think how long this would have lasted in the Bag house. Hello, Mr. Bag Lady and a peanut butter-induced coma.

* “Hopalong Cassidy and the Two-Legged Wolf” album, price to be negotiated

The albums and books aren’t stickered — honestly, there’s far too many of them for that to be practical — so staff members recommend bringing your bundle to them for a group price. The standout on this album: It’s “Bozo approved.” Now if that doesn’t take you back.

* “The Child Welfare Manual,” price to be negotiated

Circa 1915, this tome offers advice and information on recovering after pregnancy, dressing infants and caring for children at night. It also has an entire chapter titled “Drugging the baby.” And within that chapter: “Tricks to catch the unwary.” We sincerely regret the lack of baby showers in our future — this book is a mom-to-be must for sheer entertainment.

* Assorted pins, $1 each

Including “Georgette Berube: Governor” from the longtime Lewiston legislator’s 1982 run. We suggest buying the lot and then wearing them around town.

Best find: Royal manual typewriter, $75

Black, bulky and the perfect amount of wear on the circular key pads. Something great could have been typed here, and something still could be.

Think twice: About wearing heels while you shop, bringing in a sizable purse or donning a parka.

The narrow aisles are both difficult to navigate and lined with glassware. So unless you want to accidentally sweep those priceless bowls off the shelf with your puffy jacket sleeve or wobble your way into the display of antique vases, your shopping wear basically needs to be you, in leggings, a sports bra and sneakers, clutching only a very thin wallet. On a Monday. They’ll immediately know the Bliss ladies sent you.

Reader suggestion: The flat tree

Last week, a kind reader wrote in to let us know Shopping Siren had missed the best Christmas tree alternative of all: a wall tree. We didn’t know such a thing existed, but now that we do we can’t imagine life without it. Apparently the back of the tree is flat while the front is, well, tree-like. Comes pre-lit or not. Frosted or not. We only found artificial versions online, but we wouldn’t be surprised if some enterprising tree grower tried this with the real thing. No more 3 a.m. tree crashing by the pets? Priceless. 

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who never take a closed door at its word) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com