The choice is clear

Take a Taser to the groin

Chew a wad of tinfoil

Drink a cup of spit

Write a weather story

Write a cat-up-tree story

Dine on a salad of belly button lint

Sit through “The Notebook” again

Sit through “Pearl Harbor” again

Naked Macarena in a cutlery store

Lewiston canal skinny dip

Spoon with surly sportswriter Randy Whitehouse

Prostate exam from Dr. Shrek (Shrektal exam?)

Talk about our feelings

These are things I’d rather do than watch one minute of that show with Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin. They go together like fingernails and a chalkboard. Like a fork and a toaster. Like a knee and a groin.

Time for another list.

Jingle all the way

A semi-lucid reader wrote to suggest a correlation between the media obsession with Brett Favre and the local obsession with the Vista Drive Christmas display. As far as I know, the Vista Drive display hasn’t sent out lurid pictures of its naked bulbs. As far as I know.

Hell’s Kitchen

Had to watch the season finale for a news assignment because apparently, I’m being punished for something (hard to imagine, isn’t it?). The worst happened. I loved the show. I found it gripping and tense, like sudden death overtime in a restaurant rather than a rink. What can I say? I’m as shocked as you are.

Lawyer on lawyer action

Embezzlement, affairs, porn surfing and bleeding ulcers. Our heroic court reporter has turned into John Grisham for the week to cover the sweaty action in 8th District Court. A six-figure theft, sexually explicit e-mails and ethical violations all over the place. The only thing left to the imagination is the question of which character will be played by Matthew McConaughey.

Pawn show in Auburn

Boy, did I misunderstand that assignment. Linda Lovelace wasn’t even there.

Brothers in frostbite

I’m told there is a fellow who rides a motorized bicycle from Auburn to Mechanic Falls each morning just to get to work. He rides in snow storms, he rides in single-digit weather. If anyone is familiar with the fellow, let me know. I’d like to shake the bright red block of ice that is his hand.

A sucker born every minute

From Facebook: “I have decided to be the Assistant Crime Reporter for Mark LaFlamme. I will dress in a brown trench coat and brown 1930s-style floppy brim Stetson. Always there will be lit cigarette hanging from the corner of my mouth. And so that I don’t confuse the public, I will be known as Lark MaFlamme. “

I wouldn’t take that job if you paid me.