We only hope we’re not too late.

You know, for Bigfoot.

He’s gotten a lot of attention lately in western Maine. Bag Lady and Shopping Siren are aware the big guy likes to keep to himself. And that he might not exist. (Although Bigfoot does have Twitter and Facebook accounts — which would seem to suggest, well, something. Yes, yes, perhaps some creative folks are posting as someone they are not, using a fictitious name for entertainment’s sake. But we’re going to stop that line of thinking right now. People pretending to be who they’re not? Ridiculous!)

For the sake of our retail expedition, let’s agree he’s out there, capable of being found. Let’s next agree that we ought to be the ones to bag him. (“Bag” in an “alive” sense.) And let’s also agree that a Bigfoot hunt should be a whole lot more fun than plain ol’ camping.

So, what to bring? What to wear? Serious questions of the day. Of course, we drove straight to the lingerie store.  Then the craft store. Then the beauty supply store, then, well, you’ll just have to read.

• Vegan Field Roast, 1 lb., Axis Natural Foods, $8.01

For: Bait.

A gentleman recently called the newspaper and — this is the absolute truth — suggested that one could successfully nab Bigfoot “using” cats. We’d prefer to do no harm. Fewer yowls, too, from a vegan field roast.

• Blueberry Monster smoothie, Heidi’s Brooklyn Deli, $5.25

For: Sustenance.

A monster smoothie? It’s like Heidi’s knew we were coming. Mmm.

• Camp chair, Family Dollar Store, $5

For: Waiting.

Hey, we’re OK with roughing it in the name of Bigfoot, but not if we don’t have to. A comfy chair instead of the cold, hard ground? Really, this might be why our expedition will succeed where others have failed.

• Sisal twine, 180 feet, Dollar Tree, $1

For: Build-your-own net.

Chances are we’re not going to find him in the first hour or two, so we have the time.

• The Bugpatch, Dollar Tree, $1

For: Personal protection.

Eyes on the prize, people, eyes on the prize. We can’t be scratching and swatting when we’ve got our peepers trained on every twig in the woods. This patch says it’s all-natural, Deet-free and lasts 36 hours — about as long as we’re comfortable lolling in the woods and going without showers.

• Organic jewel yams, Axis Natural Foods, $1.77/lb.

For: More bait.

BF: “What do we have here? A pile of delicious yams I didn’t have to unearth myself? How – ”

BL and SS: “Yaaaaaaaah!” (Sound of hurling selves and new sisal net.)

• Chocolate finale cake, Heidi’s, $3.99

For: Dessert (ours and his).

When the first three ingredients read “heavy cream, chocolate chips, chocolate liqueur,” say no more.

• Silky Sheets spray-on pheromones, 4 oz., Midnight Boutique, $15

For: Attraction.

Woo Bigfoot with pear blossom- or lavender-scented pheromones. Because a vegan field roast only goes so far. 

• Fantasy Series furry leg cuffs and handcuffs, Midnight Boutique, $29.95 and $16.95

For: Not going quietly.

Cuffs because it’s not like he’s going to simply shrug and get in the car. Fur-lined because … well, he might just shrug and get in the car. 

• DAP plaster of Paris, 8-pound tub, Craft-Mania, $8.99

For: Evidence.

A footprint cast may not get us the same fortune and fame as catching the big guy himself, but surely it’s worth something. We’ll settle for a lifetime supply of dark chocolate and free stilettos, thank you.   

• Paws N Claws camouflage dog tee, Dollar Tree, $1

For: Elusiveness.

Maybe the cryptozoologists of the world haven’t caught Bigfoot yet because they never thought to send a pair of stylish, camo-wearing Doberman pinschers after him. We think it’s a plan.  

• Frost King duct tape, 10 yards, Dollar Tree, $1

For: Whatever.

Everything — and everyone — goes easier with duct tape. 

Best find: Proclaim olive glossing shampoo and conditioner, 33.8 oz., Sally Beauty Supply, $7.99 each

He’s been in the woods for who knows how long without washing his hair. No wonder he’s camera shy.

Think twice: Extendible mini tripod, Dollar Tree, $1

For: Spoiling it all.

Bigfoot is blurry and haphazardly-angled, that much we know. If you really want to spot him, leave the tripod, and the steady arm, at home.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who refuse to wear scuba gear if BL and SS go after the Loch Ness Monster) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

He’s been in the woods for who knows how long without washing his hair. No wonder he’s camera shy.

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