Ammo shortage
This news emerged less than a week after a dozen people were shot and killed at a civics association in New York, four were shot at a Christian retreat in California and varying numbers of others were blasted in the states between. Somebody poke me when the inventory of hate and discontent runs low.

It’s all fun and games until you get sucked into the TV
From the police: There has been an ongoing problem with people firing paintball guns at statues and monuments inside the St. Peter’s cemetery, causing them to have to be sandblasted clean.
From the Office of Paranormal Research: Defacing cemetery property is a sure way to invite poltergeist and/or incubi and should be avoided.

A two-wheeled ride to hell
Also bad mojo: stealing from an 83-year-old woman who rides a Huffy bicycle. If the public doesn’t rise up and hunt you down, jackass, Huffy karma will. Watch your back, sir or madam.

Live and learn
In Lewiston, another bicycle was stolen from outside the police department. Well, that was predictable. You know who hangs out at police departments? Criminals.

Que?
I have dubbed my motorcycle El Mechon for reasons that are so embarrassing, I decline to explain.

Sacrebleu!
To the nice gentleman who left a message on my phone to tell me I am “eh straaange and interesting perrrson.” Your accent is all over the road. At times, you sound French. At times, Irish. You also went to the Arnold Schwarzenegger School of Word Elongation to learn the fine art of making one syllable sound like five. All of which does not diminish the impact of your tirade, which I found highly insulting! And also quite flattering! Keep drinking, Arnold.

Note to Farmer’s Almanac
Spring became official this year at 6:05 p.m. on Saturday, April 4. That’s when I went into the backyard with buckets of hot water and slew the last feeble patches of snow remaining. They scream when they die you know.

Easter Bunny
How PO’d do you suppose he is about what’s happening at the former DeCoster egg farm, anyway?

A hole new way of thinking
A sinkhole that appeared on Sabattus Street in Lewiston was so wide and deep, tourists were riding donkeys down into it. So wide and deep, Stephen Hawking stopped by to measure the crater’s effect on gravitation. Sinkhole? That’s what the city wants you to believe. I’m leaning toward rumors that Jim Bennett’s secret supercollider is responsible for ripping a hole through space, time and pavement. Seriously, you thought that was a Wal-Mart distribution center out there by the highway?